I've never liked the saying 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger', I heard it all the time growing up. Personally, I leaned more towards 'what doesn't kill you makes you wish it did' – I was a very melancholy teenager.

But I wasn't always like that. Even in dark times, I was a cheerful kid. Shy, yet very strong willed with a fierce sensitivity to injustice. A bad combo when learning that silence keeps you safe.

I grew up in an unstable home. My mother had a history of severe trauma, and her declining mental health shaped my childhood. That, and spending 11 years with one of the states most notorious child abusers as a stepdad.

I left home at 17, and for many years I struggled to function. My nervous system was still wired to be on edge and shame flowed from my inability to look after myself. I tried hard, but I was tired all the time. I would forget conversations 5 minutes old and cried over the simplest of tasks. Getting out of bed felt like willingly placing my hand on a hot stove. So did entering a supermarket or catching up with friends. At this point, I started to believe there was something fundamentally broken in me.

In a final push, I spoke to a friend. This, like things so often do, created a domino effect. My friend led me down a path of learning and research. I learned how to advocate for myself, to access therapy, to heal.

Over the years, I’ve learned several precious truths. First, the most important starting point to changing your perspective is self-compassion. You are inherently wonderful and capable and worthy of the good in life. Second, that support is not only available, but necessary. Community is innate to human life and there is no guilt in needing it. And lastly, nobody is fundamentally broken. The brain can be rewired to feel safety, to experience joy and peace, and to learn kindness and patience.

Sometimes I am still sad for the girl who grew up with so much fear, but that sadness is now far overshadowed by the joy of knowing I can change that programming, that anybody can.

– Jayne

Conversations about mental health and mental illness can sometimes be difficult, and reading about other people going through the same things as you might be confronting. If you need to talk, reach out to our counselling team.